A farmer was out plowing one day, when his son ran up to the tractor excitedly.
“Daddy, there’s some preacher come to visit, and Momma wants you to come in and meet him” The farmer said “Son, I have to finish here, but I need your help. Go back inside and tell mom that I’ll be there in a little while; find out which preacher it is; and do this:
If it’s the Catholic priest, hide the bottle of wine, he’ll drink it all if you don’t.
If it’s the Lutheran minister, hide the cookie jar with Momma’s butter and egg money in it, he’ll talk her out of all of it.
And if it’s the Baptist preacher, you sit on Momma’s lap until I get there!”
The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard.
“That’s certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there,” the minister commented.
“Yes, sir,” replied the farmer. “He has reason to be proud — one of his daughters has just entered the ministry!”
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is.” The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
“One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999″
Once an engineer was driving in a ranch and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the redneck. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
Engineer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the redneck.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?”
“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”
“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”
“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”
Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,and then says, “Dammit, I said UP.”